Dave the sound tech approaches and gleefully announces that: “Tonight your name will be up in lights and they’ll project your image on the screen live so everyone can see ya sing!”
“great.” (Will that make my ass look even fatter?)
He adjusts the mike with a twisting motion and offers it to me.
“Okay! It’s all yours, just be sure to face the flag when you sing!”
I take the mic and turn to face the flag, but all I see are advertising banners: United Airlines, Gatorade, Comcast, Miller Genuine Draft, Nike, Verizon Wireless…Where’s the goddamned flag? Oh! I see it, way up in the ceiling. I am afraid to make a sound. I am really intimidated by this and now all these tech guys are looking at me, wondering why I’m not singing.
And I feel really fat! My tits are huge! My stomach is huge! I’m huge! And I’m gonna be projected on a massive jumbo-tron for all the world to see.
I move the mic closer to my lips and whisper:
“Test, testing, one, two, three…”
I repeat louder: “testing, testing, one, two, three…”
The sound is deafening.
Dave yells out: “You wanna try singing it so you can hear how your voice sounds coming thru the system?”
OMIGOD!! I feel like an idiot. I start to sing slowly,
“Oh say can you see”
“By the dawn’s early light…”
It is at this point in the song that I hear the delay. This is the work of the devil. The delay was created by Satan to torment me! See, everything I sing in real time comes back at me a few seconds later! So while I’m singing, I’m also hearing myself sing the last phrase I just sang seconds ago…
“By the twilight’s last gleaming”
Which is why you need earplugs!! Because they prevent you from hearing the delay so you can concentrate on your actual singing in real time. But mine are in mama’s purse way up high in the stands where she sits reading a book while I am down here dying a slow horrible death on center court! My life is over.
Dave says: “Psst! Need earplugs? I got some extras. Wanna use ’em?”
There are no words to describe the gratitude I feel. I put them in my ears and try again.
“Oh Say can you see…”
Unfortunately this time, I can’t hear shit! He must use these to block out the roar of jet engines! I can’t even hear what pitch I’m singing in. I’m not gonna be able to do this. I am officially in hell.
“I’m done! Thanks for the earplugs and everything, gotta go”
I run up the stairs to my mommy. I finally reach her to tell her how awful my sound check was and that I forgot my earplugs. I need her to make it all right. She puts her book down.
”You know what I was thinking Lynnie, we should go to Lane Bryant tomorrow so I can buy you a good girdle!”
This was not the support I was looking for! And so I sit here with my mama and she’s babbling away and all I keep thinking is: I can’t do this, what was I thinking? It’s sixty minutes before show time and mama is yakking a mile a minute about all kinds of mundane shit.
“My feet are still hurting!”
I’m trying to block her out so I can just freak out in peace, but I can’t…
“…and I told Daddy, you need to tie that damn dog up so he won’t keep messing up the yard…”
She is completely oblivious to my pain!
“OOH! I think that water pill is starting to work. I knew I shouldn’t have taken that damned thang!”
Are you fucking kidding me?
“Mama, I can not take you to the bathroom right now, I have to get ready to go sing.”
“Who you yellin’ at? I am not a child. I can find my way to the God damned bathroom.”
“I’m sorry mama. I’m just nervous that’s all”
“What you got to be nervous about? You better relax!”
Sherri arrives to take me down to the floor. It is forty -five minutes before show time. She gives me a laminated pass that reads: COURT ACCESS – ANTHEM SINGER.
I turn to mama and she gives me a huge hug.
“Wish me luck mama”
“Baby, you don’t need any luck, because you can sing that song!”
She holds her hand out and says: “don’t forget your earplugs!” She squeezes my hand so tightly that I knew that mama was a little nervous too and she was aware of what was at stake for me.
So I’m following Sherri through a series of hallways and doorways through the bowels of the arena. Suddenly we are courtside. It feels so small now. I’m trying to keep up with Miss Thang as she weaves in and out of the huge crowd because now there are people everywhere on the court.
I see Dave the sound tech!
“Here’s your microphone. Keep the mute button ON, when your name is announced that’s your cue. I will turn the mic on for you and hand it back to you. Then you walk to center court. There’s your mark right there – remember?”
I NOD.
“OKAY…Remember [POINTING] Face the flag!
“face the flag”, I repeat in my head.
So I’m standing here courtside and you know what?
I love it!! Now, we need someone to sing at Barack’s inaugeration. Are you available?
Yes, I am.